Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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