remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
