So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
