By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
