My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
