His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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