Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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