I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We don't watch enough power rangers
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
