Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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