He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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