and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
