so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
