Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
