he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
