someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
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As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
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He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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