it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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