she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
