Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
