I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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