have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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