I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
