her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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