Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
