oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
