You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
