Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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