Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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