also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
