all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
