sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
