After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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