Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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