I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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