I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I checked into jail on foursquare
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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