Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
