i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we're making bets on your personal life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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