there's paper in my vomit.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
