PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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