I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize