I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
