did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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