it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
