so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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