I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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