Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
