I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
