I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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