So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
