i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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