My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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