Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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