mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
false alarm, still single
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
