You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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