i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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