I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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