foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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