I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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