Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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