dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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