Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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