So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
